A Mother’s Love

 

So here’s the question…what do you think the difference is between the rejection you will feel from a parent who is completely absent vs the rejection of a parent who floats in and out of your life whenever it suits them.

I had this discussion with my mom last night. She was feeling particularly emotional after listening to littleman have a brief conversation with his ‘father’ who called him for the first time in 3 weeks and who hasn’t seen him in over 3 weeks. She feels that littleman is going to suffer a great feeling of rejection as he gets older because his father is rarely in the picture. He doesn’t go to school meetings or plays, he doesn’t come to football games/practices, he doesn’t to doctor/dentist/any appointments, conversations revolve around “what movies have you seen, what video games are you playing, sorry I haven’t been out to see you in a while but…” She feels this way because she herself was rejected by her father. She was overlooked and ignored, and then he died. She was still little, only 6, but has never forgotten the rejection and never was given the opportunity to confront him, to shout out her anger and pain at the cause.

I am a very lucky woman to have never had to face that rejection from someone I so desperately wanted to love me. I know that littleman is so very loved. I also know that despite his ability at such a young age to make me believe all is well, his father’s lack of efforts do hurt him, and I feel powerless; How can I protect him from that pain.

But truly, would the pain be any different if his father made no effort at all? I’ll never know. Have I made the wrong choices? I really don’t think so. I believe in my heart that every decsion I made was in the best interest for my littleman. It hasn’t been easy, but it’s been real. I don’t believe that it was ever an option to try and convince my ex to just disappear out of our lives. He is the type of person who has to have that foot in the door…that ounce of control. Although he doesn’t have power over me any more, his foot is still in that door to littlemans life and always will be. (until littleman slams it shut) It’s his only link to the strings that he loves to pull.

How do I shelter my angel from this?  He’s only little but one day it will come. I have to be prepared, be ready, be strong. I can only do what I am and assure him he is more loved, more wanted, and more important to me every day. I can let him be angry at me when it’s really at his father that he’s angry with. I can forgive him for his errors and teach him the way. I can let him blame me  because I know that one day he’ll realize it’s not my fault. I can love him unconditionally and always leave my heart and my arms wide open to him.